I Am Not Funny.

Hello everybody.

My name is 321 Girl In Motion, and I am not funny.

Unclutch those pearls ladies, and catch a breath after that earth shattering gasp because as much as I hate to admit it – it’s true.

There was a Comedy submission window for the BBC Writers Room a few weeks ago, and I thought to myself (paraphrasing slightly); Yolo, I’ll bang out a mad script and it’ll be so dope people will piss their pants then hire me immediately. I knew the closing date was getting nearer and nearer, and though I knew where my story would be set, what it was about, and my main characters middle name, the same two things kept happening.

The first was the fact that no matter how many times I pitched it (Using the Five Finger Pitch method) either on paper, or to an unwilling audience, the premise it didn’t sound funny. There were no comedic beats, no funny characteristics and angle to see where I could force the jokes to go. The second thing that kept happening was that I kept adding more things to the plan/outline – but essentially I couldn’t make myself write the damn thing. I know that procrastination roughly makes up between 85% and 99% of creativity, but this was different. It was as if I knew, that no matter how I wrote or what I wrote, it would be glaringly obvious that I was trying too hard.

Honestly I know I sound incredibly dramatic, but it’s the truth. I read an excerpt to my sister who stared blank faced at me the entire way through the first two scenes I had managed to construct. I of course then proceeded to tell her she knows nothing about Comedy writing, and sulked off to my other sister (via skype) who had the exact same reaction. I thought the connection had broken and that although the screen was frozen, she was on the side of my laptop busting a gut…well that was until I saw her blinking. She the proceeded to laugh uncontrollably – not at how funny the script was, but at how funny it wasn’t.

Do you know that story of King Midas? The dude who had the ability to turn anything he touched into Gold? Well I have the same sort of power…except completely different otherwise I would be living in a penthouse on the Upper East Side. Instead of Gold, everything I touch turns to Drama (although thankfully not in real life).

Seriously, watch this…

Knock Knock?
Who’s there?
Orange Who?
Orange you going to let me in?

Diana…? Is that you?
… No?
Oh dear God!
Marty please

Did you just try and disguise your voice so I would open the door? 

Diana. That’s messed up. How did you even get this address
Marty please, I needed to see you
This has to stop, D. It’s creepy.
I can’t live without you, Marty, please I love-
Don’t. Just don’t. I’ve found a way to move on – You’re going to have to try and do the same… One way or another.

See? I’m incurable!

When I tried to write the Comedy script, try as I might, and with all my planning, I still couldn’t connect to the piece. Sometimes if something feels to difficult then it wasn’t meant to be – well at least for the time being. So I’ll stay in my lane and write what I write best; (Spontaneously Dark) Drama.


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